Going on.....

I hadn't really finished yet in the last blog....There was still one thing that irked me the most....

I was told by my Christian brothers that I had to have a clear direction what i was doing here. Are you looking for a good time with a girl or are you looking for a life partner?

It's #2.

In fact, early on, on the 3rd date I told CF this.

"You know, actually I have been observing you for nearly a year. 8 months. Although then I did not say anything to you, I think you are pretty and I want to get to know you better. But its not just that. I am asking you out because I am interested in you, and slowly hope this friendship could move to relationship and from there to marriage. This is my intention. I am committed to you as long as we are in this together to form friendship and bond together."

She is quite surprised i think, but she said, "That's ok. I think that we should get to know each other much better first. But I am glad to know you are committted."

Some weeks down, she asks me, "Do you think I should be meeting other guys?"

"Are you? I thought you wanted to be committed."

"Actually my friends say I should not just commit like that to another guy. I should get to know more guys, see what other types of guys there are."

"Is that what your friends told you? Why would they tell you something like that?"

But the doubt this created in me was ---> You are seeing other people.

There was another time, during her father's funeral wake. Of course, I know this time is difficult for her. But here is the scenario of what happened......

Day#1: Please don't come tonight. It's the first night and I feel tired. I did not go, and my friend asked me how dumb I could be. Go, even if she says no.

Day#2: Yeah, its ok for you to come. So I go, sit for 1hour and then go home. My friend tells me you should go. Support her.

Day#3: So I go, eventhough she says you do not need to. But I go, and sit for 3 hours. I imagine she is happy. Everything goes well.

Day#4: No, I do not need to go again. But I go. She says, "You can stay for only 1 hour, then go home." So I go, chat with her. She is not happy tonight because:

- I could not get her body description correct.
- I described her wrongly in comparison to her sisters.

Each time I wanted to go off, she would ask me, "So why do you think I am petite?" or "Do you think my sister is taller?" So I stayed another 30 minutes in all.
- She later says that I overstayed my welcome and that I should have gone home at the appointed time.

She calls me later and then tells me off. Of course I keep quiet and just agree to all that she says since she is the one in distress. She finally gets annoyed and hangs down the phone.

Day#5: The funeral day. I did not go.

Reason 1: She was not in a good mood the previous night
Reason 2: My mom would not have wanted it, because that day she was praying to the Kitchen God.
Reason 3: I did not want to do something in secret and not tell my mom knowing full well my mom would not like it.

As a result......
CF: How come you did not come? Even my boss came. He is such a busy man, but he still came.

My thought: Ah....so your boss very important to you. In fact, every other time she brought out a topic about another man, it would be her boss..... ???

CF: Why you cannot do things for your ownself? You seem to be controlled by your mom. I don't care what she believes, whether go to the funeral already or not, have to use scented water to wash off. Are you really committed or not? You say you are committed to me, but do not seem like it. This is something I don't like. I don't like it in a guy. You cannot make decision for your ownself.

My thought: My gosh, you want me to disrespect my mom? You want me to make decisions that do not take into account what my mom thinks even though I live with my parents? Hmmm....

Everytime she spoke, she would tell me,

"Do you understand why I am telling you this? It is because I don't like the way you said it."
"I am saying this because I want you to understand that your thinking is not correct."
"I want to let you know that you need to improve your sensitivity. You are really insensitive towards me."

Finally, in the end.....Looking back from 2 posts ago and this one and adding up to the stress and unhappiness, and the control and the everything.....I decided....to pray & reflect.....

..//..